Unwanted Bonds - 9

Only after he had made sure Donatello was well-fed and safely tucked into bed, Leonardo allowed himself to sit back down in his room and review the last few hours.

What a mess.

For several minutes, it was the only thought he was able to come up with.

The whole situation was a sad, chaotic mess. And in the midst of it, there was Raphael, calm and quiet and almost impassive about it all.

His passionate, hot-headed brother hadn't yelled in days, hadn't gotten angry, barely even showed that he was upset at all. Instead, he tended to the baby with a dedication and a patience that put Leonardo's own to shame.

Everything in Leonardo screamed in alarm, louder and louder the more he pondered it.

The uncomfortable tautness of his neck promised another headache to come and Leonardo let himself fall back onto his mattress, closing his eyes. For a second, the oldest brother found himself disoriented, thrown out of his rhythm. He knew it was... no, actually, he had no clue what time it was.

Not that it much mattered.

Raphael had closed his door, probably trying to sort things out with himself. There was nothing he could do right now.

If he was honest, there were a few things he probably could do, but he had no energy for anything.

He needed rest.

Whatever time of the day it was, he needed a few hours of good sleep, recharge his batteries, then return to his brother's side to help him sort this out. Get out of this uncannily sedate state he was in.

But rest first, yes.

He didn't even manage to move properly onto his bed, his legs still dangling off the side when he fell asleep.

For a few hours, the lair was calm again, two brothers asleep, one hidden in the sanctuary of his room, one trying to distract himself with his comic books and their master meditating in the dojo.

It was a while, before something moved in the lair.

Out of them all, Donatello was the first to emerge from his room, heading right to the kitchen to prepare himself some coffee.

Much to his surprise, it wasn't long after he poured his second cup that Raphael's door creaked open.

Donnie smiled softly, looking at his brother when he spotted him. Raphael seemed to be in a calm mood from what he could tell, so he figured he could as well take the chance and risk asking about the healing scars beneath the bandages.

It wasn't all that urgent, but he hoped this was a good opportunity to.

“Hey, Raph? Do you have a moment for me?”

More in reflex than actual wariness, Raphael tensed, pulling the infant in his arms a little closer, a little safer to himself. His voice, however, stayed relaxed, almost soft. “What's up, Donnie?”

It was like treading on thin ice, he knew, and Raphael knew as well. The younger brother knew Raphael didn't want to be as wary and on-edge as he was, especially towards his own brothers, he just couldn't help his instincts.

Donatello couldn't and wouldn't blame him.

“Nothing big. I was just wondering how your stomach was doing? It's been a few days and you seem to be in less pain. I'd like to have a look at the stitches and the scars, if you're okay with that. If you don't want me touching you, that's okay, too. I just don't want to miss if there's trouble with the healing.”

He could see the defenses in his sibling rise, even while he spoke, the older brother struggling with both his trust, his understanding that the scars would need a proper look and the fear of being too close to anybody. Donatello simply and patiently waited until Raphael came to a decision.

A short nod. “Alright. Here?”

Trying to keep his relieved smile from turning too wide, Donatello made a small gesture to the living room. “We can do it here, if you're more comfortable, or we can go to my lab.” Honesty was always a good way to handle Raphael, so the younger added. “I would prefer my lab, to be honest, there's better light and everything we might need. But I can have a quick look and go get what we need to do it here.” He smiled.

Raphael only hesitated a second. “No, the lab's fine.”

He was trying... Donatello wasn't anywhere near as good as their youngest brother when it came to reading moods and emotions, but it was obvious enough that Raphael would much, much prefer to stay in the living room, out of the lab that brought too many unwanted memories, but for his brother's sake, he tried. He willed himself to overcome his anxieties both to return to his own former sense of security and to comfort and calm his brothers.

Donnie didn't want to belittle his efforts by telling him to stay here regardless. Raphael was trying and he would to his best to make his tries as easy and successful as possible. “Don't worry, I promise I'll be done really quick.“

The way over to the lab was short and if Raphael was nervous, he did a good job hiding it. Still, when he sat down on the examination table, he moved somewhat stiffly, keeping his eyes on the small bundle in his arms, rather than looking at the instruments around him.

With a calming, patient smile, Donatello sat down on his chair and scooted close, putting a comforting hand to his brother's knee. “Now, let's get those bandages off and see how you're healing.”

Raphael seemed to gradually relax a little, keeping the child safely against his shoulder and out of Donatello's reach, but not even twitching when the younger brother cut away the bandages around his middle.

Carefully, Donnie examined the scars, applying light pressure with his fingers here and there. “Does any of this hurt?” Looking up, he found his brother's expression tight, lips pressed together in not quite a frown.

“No. It's tender, but it doesn't hurt.”

Donatello nodded. He believed that it didn't hurt, but Raph was nervous again. “Look, the stitches have healed enough to remove them. I can do it now, or tomorrow.”

“Just get it over with, Donnie. And maybe after you're done... I... I haven't seen the eggs yet.”

Pausing his preparations to remove the stitches, the younger sibling swallowed. “They're all still here. I improvised an incubator for the two that will hatch. The others are here, too. I couldn't... I didn't know what you'd want to do with the empty ones.”

“Oh... yeah, I understand... Can I see them?”

At the odd sound of his sibling's voice, Donatello frowned in confusion. “Of course you can! I wouldn't keep you away from them. I just didn't say anything till now because I wasn't sure if you wanted to deal with them already.”

“No, I want to see them. When you're done with me.”

Again, the younger nodded. “I'll try and make it quick. If anything hurts, let me know.” Sitting back down, Donatello gently cut through the stitches, plucking the thread from the healing tissues, more than relieved that Raphael didn't so much as twitch. It meant that there likely was only a little or no pain involved.

Within a few minutes, he was done, spreading a soothing gel over the fresh scars and wrapping a light gauze back around them. “There. Leave this on for a day or two and the worst should be over.”

“Thanks, Donnie.”

“You're welcome. Now, let me show you where the eggs are.”

Donatello had put the two living eggs into a spacious plastic box, thickly padded with a fluffy blanket and a heating lamp above, to keep them warm. The other four were kept in a similar box, though further in a corner.

At once, Raphael was next to the makeshift incubator, reaching out a hand to touch at the warm shells. “Oh... look how big they already are...” He breathed, more to himself and the baby than to Donatello, who kept a respectful distance to them.

“From what I read and what I can tell, they'll be ready to hatch in two or three days. They're... both doing fine so far.”

Raphael nodded, cupping his free hand around one of the eggs to feel the tiny movements inside, swallowing against the sudden tightness in his throat.

“Donnie... I want to be alone with them for a bit.” It was no more than a whisper, not quite trusting his voice right now.

“Of course. Just... call when you need me. I'll be outside.” Yet, the younger hesitated before leaving. “Will you be alright?”

Raphael didn't turn, but he gave a quick nod. “I'll deal.”

It wasn't quite as convincing as Donnie had hoped, but it sounded steady enough for him to leave his sibling alone with the eggs.

It was almost an hour later that Raph finally left the lab, seeming distraught, but when Donnie tried to ask him what was wrong, he just shook his head, telling him to make sure the eggs were fine.

...

At some point, Leonardo gradually found his way back to awareness as well, somewhat stiff from having slept with his legs half off the bed, but at least a little refreshed.

He stretched with a small groan, pulling himself up on his feet and working a kink out of his neck with one hand.

Upon leaving his room, Leonardo found his sibling pacing in the living area, his baby cradled in his arms as always, obviously agitated over something. He frowned softly, instantly worried, and approached him slowly. “Hey, Raph. What's wrong?”

Green eyes snapped up to meet his own, and Leo knew something was bothering him. Before he managed to ask, Raphael pointed over to the couch.

“Sit down.”

Leonardo blinked, hesitating. “What's going on, Raph?”

The younger all but bristled, still pointing to the couch. “Just shut up and sit yourself down on the damn couch!”

“Alright, alright! Jeez! I'm sitting.” Stepping over to the couch, he flopped down, now both worried and admittedly a little annoyed by Raphael's strange behavior. Something was bothering his sibling, leaving him agitated and skittish, but Leonardo didn't get a chance to ask.

Before he could even open his mouth, Raphael was moving towards him, dropping to his knees in front of him and stunning him into silence.

There was a bit of shifting and pushing, firm hands grabbing his own, adjusting, and then, suddenly, unexpectedly, Leonardo found his arms full of a small, warm weight.

He was so stunned, that for a moment, he forgot how to breathe, freezing completely.

“R-... Raph...” Raphael was doing the moving for him, it seemed, fidgeting on his knees, quaking hands still lightly on Leonardo's arms, and Leonardo knew how much of a test this was for his younger sibling.

Raphael swallowed, unable to meet Leo's eyes, instead looking at the baby. “He's... He doesn't like lying on his back... or.. or when he's rocked too much. You gotta be careful with him, okay?” His voice was shaky, clearly battling with himself to not just take the baby back into his own arms and Leonardo couldn't really blame him.

Feeling the breathing, warm little being resting in his arms felt incredible.

The baby fussed a little, squirming a little to settle into a more comfortable position in this unfamiliar embrace. Leo couldn't help the affectionate smile pulling at his lips, when the little one calmed again, yawning widely. Holding this little being felt natural and easy enough.

Without lifting his eyes off the infant, he addressed his sibling again. “Raph... how come...” He didn't even know how to ask why Raphael was bringing himself to allow him to hold the baby, despite the obvious distress and fear it caused him.

The hands on his arms tightened their hold, though less to assure Leo kept the baby safe, but more to anchor and steady Raphael himself.

“I just-... I can't keep him all to myself forever...” Unspoken, there was the admission that Raphael would have much preferred to do just that, however, and Leo knew it.  “And... and you're kinda his parent, too. Not-... Not that I'd expect- I wouldn't-...” His voice was hitching now, breaths coming just a little too fast and the older brother pried his gaze away from the tiny form in his arms.

“Raphie, easy... easy.” Leo managed to gingerly shift the baby's weight to one arm, freeing his other hand to wrap it around his shoulders.

Green eyes darted left and right, Raphael still fidgeting, though he forced himself to remain calm as much as possible.

Which really wasn't much.

“Raph, look at me.” When the younger only managed eye contact for a bare second, Leo repeated himself, a little firmer but still gentle. “Look at me, Raphie.”

This time, they managed and Leonardo smiled. It took several minutes, but Raphael, too, calmed down, giving a little shaky smile and a slow sigh.

“Just look at how ridiculous I am...”

Leonardo chuckled lightly. “You're not ridiculous. Maybe a little over the top, but nothing we haven't seen before.” It was a small tease and by the not-quite-annoyed expression on Raphael's face, Leonardo knew it was just what he'd needed.

“Watch it, Fearless!” but then, he grinned, shaking his head. His eyes dropped again, but there was no more trembling. “Leo, listen... I...”

Gentle fingers squeezed encouragingly around his shoulder. “I'm listening. What's this about?”

“Bit of everything. I guess at some point, I do need to let you guys handle him. I just figured that it'd have to be you first. After all, he shares DNA with you. That doesn't mean I'll expect you to play parent. I mean, I guess you CAN, if you want, but, you know... there's no-... no obligation. You don't owe-...” Frustrated with his lack for proper words, Raphael stopped, huffing quietly. “You know...”

Nodding slowly, Leonardo brushed his thumb over a chubby little leg. “I think I understand. You... already decided to keep him around-”

The look Raphael shot up at him was near-panicked. “Of course! I could never- y-you can't-”

“Raph, no! That's not what I meant.” It was still hard to remember just how unprotected and terrified his brother still was. Immediately, blue eyes softened, almost apologetic. “That's not what I meant at all. I just... what I wanted to say is, that he's here with us now. So he's going to be a part of this family. That means we're all going to care for him. And for you. You don't have to do this all on your own.”

There was an odd look of contempt creeping into the younger's expression, green eyes lowering again, and Leonardo knew it wasn't directed at him, but inwards. “Raph...”

With a tired sigh, Raphael's head came down to rest on one of Leonardo's knees, one hand still near the infant. “I never meant to cause so much trouble.”

“Do you feel guilty for bringing the baby here?”

The silence that followed  was answer enough and Leonardo closed his eyes. “Do you feel guilty for rescuing him?”

“No. Never. I just-... I don't want to always be the burden to this family. I always end up worrying you, making trouble, getting into weird situations...”

Leonardo paused before answering, blue eyes shifting from his sibling's tense shoulders to the peacefully snoozing baby, snuggled into the crook of his arm. He smiled softly.

“That may be, but in the end, you're also the one that more often than not ends up saving our rears in a battle. You're a pain, sometimes, and you do get into odd situations, true. But you always have our backs in the end. I think that more than compensates for that. And look...” his free hand moved to cup Raphael's cheek, gently bringing him to meet his eyes again.

“Look what 'getting into weird situations' did.” When he looked down to the baby, he knew green eyes followed him and Leonardo carefully brushed a fingertip over a smooth, chubby cheek. “You saved this little one. And nobody will ever, ever blame you for this. Understand? This is not a burden. You are not a burden.”

Raphael looked relieved, having needed to hear just this, it seemed.

However, it barely lasted longer than a moment, before something incredibly heartbroken crept into his eyes.

“Still, all I managed to save was one out of so, so many...”

“You saved one despite all odds being against you. It's enough. And we managed to take two more, isn't that-”

“One more.”

Oh...

“Raph, I'm sorry, I didn't-”

“Don't worry, it's fine. But... I will need a bit of help, I guess. I don't think I can keep this up with two babies.” Again, self-contempt, and Leonardo could tell it was because Raphael felt he SHOULD be able to do this on his own, without asking his family for help.

“You're so stubborn, Raph. I told you... we're all in this together. And we'll all help where we can, you just have to let us. Okay? If you let me, I can watch the little one for a bit. Or Splinter could. I bet he'd love to, actually.” He smiled, watching his brother as he worked his words through.

Raphael didn't answer, worrying at his bottom lip in thought. Instead, the baby broke the silence with a quiet hiccup and a small whine.

Instinctively, Leonardo tried rocking him slightly, now torn between that and his brother, who was watching him now with hawk eyes, still more than ready to take the baby away from him at any second.

When the whining turned into quiet crying, the oldest brother was sure Raphael would want to have the infant back. Instead, his sibling rose, if stiffly and with a lot of effort to widen the distance between himself and the baby.

“He's hungry.” Even his words were tight, every ounce of self-control poured into it. “I'll-... I'll make him a bottle. Y-You can try to feed him if you want.”

Leonardo nodded eagerly. “I'd love to! Should I help-”

“You stay put. Don't you dare move.” There was a familiar aggression in his brother's voice now, and it both calmed and frightened him a little.

Raphael leveled a serious stare at him. “If you dare to so much as move an inch from this couch, I will snap your neck.”

Leo blinked, but gave a slow nod. “I won't move a finger.”